Volatile Times

“I drove through countries like a marching funeral
In the search of fools and utopians
Along the lonely roads with all the empty human souls
Filling their heavy hearts
With slum religion and Coca-Cola
Every book is read and I’m paralyzed
Every fist is clenched, but I’m so tired..

“Goodbye my friends
Goodbye to the money
Adieu to the fuckers that think that it’s funny
I just want to turn the lights on in these volatile times
I just want to turn the lights on in these volatile times”

I’m trying to figure out whats happening with me right now.. I feel so nervous and guilty I could be sick.. My head is going insane.. I need an out.. but I don’t have options anymore. The ED is not an option. I use skills.. mindfulness.. thought challenging.. distraction.. positive reinforcements.. remind myself of the life I want. The life I want.. is so far away. At least it feels like that. I feel so, so stuck. I’m so stuck I want to scream at the top of my lungs and cry and break things. I’m angry because of the stagnant turmoil I am blended to.. like sticky, thick, unrelenting honey. Every time I’m free I get stuck again trying to remove every other part of myself. I am terrified that I.. I will feel like this forever.. that it’s always going to be so difficult. I want to want to go out into the world. But the world doesn’t wait for people like me. Procrastination, drugs, mental illness, anxiety, perpetual avoidance.. the world doesn’t care. I feel alone in this fight even though I know I’m not.

I’m supposed to be at a day program for my ED. Right now. But here I sit. I’ve missed 3 days so far this week. In the grand scheme of things, this doesn’t really matter. But it feels like it matters.. The guilt and nervous energy and overwhelming anxiety about not going.. its scratching and chipping away at my insides. I feel paralyzed by it. Stuck in a painful cycle of denial and self pity. Always so stuck.
I don’t know why I begin to question the day program all of a sudden. I start to think that maybe it isn’t the place for me at this point in time. But I haven’t finished the program. This fact stops me from foregoing it altogether. If I quit, I fail. End of story.. –
scraaape, clang, tear, ripping paper, reload paper, click, click, click, click..

Roll back. Okay so its not the end of the story. I continue my recovery in other ways. Regular eating, psychologist appointments, GP appointments, getting back into life..

“When the joys of living just leave you cold
Frozen from the failing mess you’ve made your own
And if you want an ending to your screenplay life
Well, here’s the consolation that will change your heart and mind

All the glitz Messiah’s just pass the time
A cure for no real sickness, cross your hopes and die
Your supermarket Jesus comes with smiles and lies
Where justice he delays is always justice he denies”

But then I think about getting back into life and it petrifies me. Going back to a job and studying. Routine.. going back to routine. I don’t want routine. I want to feel alive and thriving. The monotony of job, study, eat, sleep, friends, job, study, eat, sleep, friends, job, study, eat, sleep, friends. And when this is all over, you sell yourself to employers and gloat to them about how amazingly well trained, efficient, reliable, trustworthy, experienced and capable you are. Chances are, they’ll choose the applicant with the most experience. Um.. just one little question. How the fuck are we supposed to GET EXPERIENCE if we are never given a job in the first place? Do we really have to be fighting with our fists and killing ourselves to get a job? Well maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration but all we have to do it look right outside our front door to see thousands of struggling students and even middle aged persons who are unemployed and lack experience.

Routine. Back to routine. How unappealing it is to me.. I would’ve jumped on any chance to be in routine but routine is monotonous and monotony is boring and boredom is extremely uncomfortable and distressing for me at this time. Am I strange and different to not see meaning in studying for a career and then spending the rest of my life sustaining that career? I DON’T WANT TO BE STUCK . Rigidity and adamancy.. I don’t know if I can live like that.

– quoted Lyrics by IAMX (see picture)

Determined

I hate my eating disorder. Every time I turn around it’s there.. It’s as if I can’t escape from it. I have to be honest with myself right now: I’ve been struggling a lot. And not in a good way. My eating disorder is still getting the best of me.
My urges to binge/purge are huge but I’m slowly getting a hold of them. Urges to restrict are another matter.. But I’m also getting a hold of those too. My boyfriend confronted me about food going missing yesterday and it truly upset me.
I already feel so incredibly ashamed and embarrassed about my behaviors and to have him know that its happened while he has been away mortifies me. It’s definitely been on the back of my mind all day today, which has prevented me from bingeing. But I did purge today.. “punch, kick, slap myself”. It’s so easy and simple to say that it won’t happen, you swear on your own oath that it won’t happen, that you won’t give in and then you do. I feel guilty for everything.. If I do, or don’t. Too much, not enough. Too slow, too fast. Too tired, too hyperactive. Boring or too stimulated. I just don’t know what I’m doing at the moment.. I feel sort of like a lost cause.
My boyfriend is the only person in my life that is there for me right now. And for some reason I find it hardest to talk to him. I don’t want to seem whiny or needy or too self conscious.. Which is how I feel so much of the time. I need to get my thinking back on track and remember who i am. I think I lost her for a while.. Bt I’m determined to get her back.

It’s still there.

It’s still there. By ‘it’ I mean my eating disorder.
Ive been in recovery for almost a year now and I still feel so stuck.
My life has changed dramatically over the past 4 months and I’ve never ever felt happier. I have met someone amazing.. And he loves me. He loves me. It still boggles me why.. But it still reminds me that i might not be this horrible disgusting person that i think i am. He also suffers with this terrible ailment, but we support each other. I have to say that it is very difficult though.. When one of us steers off track a bit, I’ve noticed we both end up off track. It’s like it’s a contagious disease but only among those who aren’t
immune to it.
I do feel insignificant some days, like I’m worth nothing, but this is very light compared to what I felt in my darkest days. I’m not majorly depressed anymore (hooray!) and I can thank both my medications and new love for that. Part of feeling insignificant is not being smart enough, not being quick enough, not being knowledgeable enough, not having enough Experience.. Just not BEING enough. Mind you, I’ve got the rest of my life to live but this feeling will not let up.

My body image has improved somewhat .. But as I’ve learnt more about my disorder, I’ve realized that its got nothing to do with the food. It’s about everything else in my life that is constantly straining on my self esteem and confidence. Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally incompetent.. There are moments where my eyes well up with tears with emotions and feelings spinning around my head but I couldnt tell you why. In the moment, I feel so over whelmed, so irritated, so infuriated, so miserable, so elated, all at the same time. But I have no idea why.. Feeling like I can’t express myself through words is probably the most uncomfortable, frustrating and sad thing about this for me. I can’t just blurt out WHY, Or what I’m thinking the moment. I know it’s there but it’s as if it’s deep in an unreachable abyss.

Following the meal plan these days is harder than ever. But just because I feel down doesnt mean my eating has to be compromised. I haave to remember that.. Using food and related behaviours to make me feel better DOESN’T WORK and I know this.

I just have to do it..

The Most Awful Cycle In The World

Ugh.
Yes I have entered it. The binge/purge/restrict cycle and it’s so fucking hard to stop.

For a few weeks now I’ve found it very difficult to stop bingeing. I’m at a healthy weight, and have been now for several months, so I know it can’t be physical. It’s psychological crap.. I feel so out of control and disgusting and ashamed and loathsome and repulsive and vile and like I want to hide myself away. I hate my body. Or I hate what my eyes are showing me in reflection of my current mindset. I absolutely despise my appearance. I want to disappear.

I want to be at peace.

Update i.e.Week 8 Inpatient

First and foremost, I miss all of you beautiful girls terribly.

In patient therapy has been unbelieveably exhausting and every day is a roller coaster of emotion and motivation.

Iam going okay, and I am keeping my eyes on the prize of hopefully one day being free of this dark critic that has led me on for so long.

I give so much love to each and every one of you.

I have no access to internet which inhibits me to do much blog reading and writing which irritates me to no end!

But in 2 weeks time I will be going to the out patient program, which I pray will be helpful.

Thank you allso much for your support this far..:)

Love the FVPE

xx

Admission

Turns out they have a bed for me today.

My mum is driving me there now.

I want to go. I want this to stop.

I had another binge last night and just feel horrible.

I want to be normal. I want to be the best me. Not some shadow of an eating disorder.

I can’t take my laptop or phone and luck has it that my MP3 player is not working.

I have a long 6 weeks a head of me.

I really do not know what I think. I really think I don’t need to go. But then I think I really do.

I’m scared. I’m nervous. I won’t know what to do there.

I am kind of freaking out but at the same time so relieved.

I want to thank you all for the support and love and care.

I love you all and will be thinking of each and every one of you.

How I miss the blog world..

It’s been too long since I’ve posted and even longer since I commented. I feel very bad that I haven’t been keeping up with everyone but I just haven’t had the time nor energy.

There are some positives to this post though..

My mum and I successfully finished moving houses. It is such a stressful time for us both. I’m sure anyone who has gone through moving knows that it’s such a horrid thing to do. You live on adrenalin for days and then suddenly slump into a walking coma of exhaustion.

I’ve also been accepted into a hospital about 1 hours drive away. I’ll be admitted for 3-6 months.. depending on how I go. It’s seems  funny that I am talking about this so casually, I thought that they would have to drag me there, kicking and screaming to actually force me to get better. But I want this to end. I want to learn to eat normally and heal my mental issues. It’s going to be so hard being out of my comfort zone, out of control, but that is the whole point I guess. I will miss my friends and family and my own bed. It’s going to be so tough and I’ve only just, if even, reached the tip of the iceberg.

Unfortunately my stomach issues haven’t gotten any better. My bingeing has continued and I’m so sick of it. The thing is, I set myself up for failure every single time and I know this. This cycle is so deadly and vicious yet so addicting.

I don’t feel too good about myself today. I know I will  gain a bit weight from my bingeing, not enough to be noticeable.. but enough to drive me insane and lead me to take even more drastic action.

But I have a plan. Today I am making a concious choice to eat normally.. surely if I eat like I do now, binging, starving, binging, and don’t gain weight, I can eat like a normal person, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, some treats in between and not gain weight. It’s science. It’s proven. And yet I still do what I do.  I know there are issues behind the weight, which many of you made me realize on my last post and I thank you all so much, the replies I received were of more help to me than you can imagine.  But the issues, I can’t seem to acknowledge them. I am hoping at the centre they will help me identify these.

I started off today with breakfast, not just a cup of coffee, it felt uncomfortable when I finished because I woke up feeling full. This is something I have to get used to. Obviously in the centre they will not let me get away with skipping meals. I guess it’s better that I get a head start.

After all, breakfast is for champions, as said by one lovely champion herself!

Banana bread oatbran(oatbran, banana, vanilla protein powder, cinnamon) sprinkled with flaxseed + coffee with soymilk.

But really, you are all champions in my eyes. 😀

I promise to catch up with all of you as soon as I can.. I can’t bear to be away from my bloggie friends any longer.

I’m breaking down inside.

I’m not quite sure whats happening.

I guess I’ve been fooling myself. That I could go on like this. Like a normal ‘healthy’ person.

I could play soccer. Go to work. Uni. See friends. Be happy.

Oh boy was I wrong.

I’m breaking down.. inside and out. I’ve had horrific stomach problems this past week, partly due to laxatives I’ve abused, and my eating is completely all over the place. My body feels like it’s just at a loss of what to do. It’s tried; I’ve tried but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending .. I can’t keep putting on a happy face while this disorder has it’s tightest grips on me than ever before.

I’m seeing a dietician tommorow and my therapist and my GP. We are going to talk about me being assessed for hospitalization. I don’t know where.. I don’t know when.. I don’t know how long for but I feel so unwell. I feel that I need that. I can’t do this here.  My body feels like it’s getting weaker and weaker by the minute.

The hardest part is that I’m hurting everyone around me through this entire process. It tortures me beyond any description that I am hurting my family and friends through what I am doing.

I’m scared of whats going to happen tommorow. Everything I thought that I would go on with is now going to be put on hold.

I’m embarressed.  I’m ashamed of myself. I feel so useless and helpless and just.. a waste. I hate this feeling.. I hate it so much.  I need this.. I need this change of scenery. I want to get better.

My fear is nothing next to what the future has in store for me.

Long time.. No Post.. No Change

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted.

I guess I avoid posting now because it’s simple and nothing surprising.

I’m still going through the same motions as I was a week ago although I only binged once this week.

I’m still scared out of my mind and how this is going to end up.

My binges have continued and now I can call them binges because I feel like I am no longer satisfied by just ‘this last one’. I always want more and I don’t understand!! I’m eating more than enough .. on the days that I binge.

But others day I find myself eating less to compensate. Which is the worst possible thing I could do but I’m so scared of ending up the way I was. I’m absolutely terrified of gaining more weight when I don’t think I need to. I want to stop these binges so badly.  My weight is up to a 20 BMI, which is great and I’d like to stay here but it feels like a 30 BMI.

I know BMI is a horrible scale to go by. I don’t know if it’s just my body and that its totally out of proportion or what but it seems like all of the weight has gone to my thighs and and lower stomach.. giving me a ‘pooch’.  I know this is healthy. This is how a woman is supposed to look. Curvy. Vivacious. Ready to bear a child. We need hips. We need strong legs.

Why isn’t that good enough?

I wish I could see my body for what it was.. for the amazing intricate and complex number of systems that it is. Not something that I take advantage of in an attempt to deal with my problems.

I feel like every where I turn, there is my eating disorder.

I regret telling some people that I have about it all because it’s always at the back of their minds and always at the front of mine. It’s always mentioned. I’m always asked how I’m going with”it”. I want to eat normally and be treated normally around food.. I think that is the only way that I can move forward, BUT at the same time it’s so.. almost helpful to have them know, so they can give encouragement.

I just don’t know where I’m going right now.. I need perspective. A new outlook.

Something. Anything.

Fear Food #1

The “deadly”, “sinful”..

Wholemeal spaghetti (I know, I know) with freshly made seitan (wheat meat), tomato pasta sauce and shredded Cheezly.

Pasta.

I did it. I had pasta. For lunch.  For the first time in 2 years.

I was warring with myself. To go with something known, with something I’ve had countless times, something SAFE.

NO. No more. Pasta it was.

What the hell was I afraid of?

Pasta. Is. good.

Enough said.

—

P.S. Thank you so much for the comments on my last post. I think I realize now that if I need to take a break, it is for the better and if I truly need it then I can’t feel ashamed or like a failure. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support..