Archive for June, 2010

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I’m breaking down inside.

June 27, 2010

I’m not quite sure whats happening.

I guess I’ve been fooling myself. That I could go on like this. Like a normal ‘healthy’ person.

I could play soccer. Go to work. Uni. See friends. Be happy.

Oh boy was I wrong.

I’m breaking down.. inside and out. I’ve had horrific stomach problems this past week, partly due to laxatives I’ve abused, and my eating is completely all over the place. My body feels like it’s just at a loss of what to do. It’s tried; I’ve tried but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending .. I can’t keep putting on a happy face while this disorder has it’s tightest grips on me than ever before.

I’m seeing a dietician tommorow and my therapist and my GP. We are going to talk about me being assessed for hospitalization. I don’t know where.. I don’t know when.. I don’t know how long for but I feel so unwell. I feel that I need that. I can’t do this here.  My body feels like it’s getting weaker and weaker by the minute.

The hardest part is that I’m hurting everyone around me through this entire process. It tortures me beyond any description that I am hurting my family and friends through what I am doing.

I’m scared of whats going to happen tommorow. Everything I thought that I would go on with is now going to be put on hold.

I’m embarressed.  I’m ashamed of myself. I feel so useless and helpless and just.. a waste. I hate this feeling.. I hate it so much.  I need this.. I need this change of scenery. I want to get better.

My fear is nothing next to what the future has in store for me.

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Long time.. No Post.. No Change

June 21, 2010

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted.

I guess I avoid posting now because it’s simple and nothing surprising.

I’m still going through the same motions as I was a week ago although I only binged once this week.

I’m still scared out of my mind and how this is going to end up.

My binges have continued and now I can call them binges because I feel like I am no longer satisfied by just ‘this last one’. I always want more and I don’t understand!! I’m eating more than enough .. on the days that I binge.

But others day I find myself eating less to compensate. Which is the worst possible thing I could do but I’m so scared of ending up the way I was. I’m absolutely terrified of gaining more weight when I don’t think I need to. I want to stop these binges so badly.  My weight is up to a 20 BMI, which is great and I’d like to stay here but it feels like a 30 BMI.

I know BMI is a horrible scale to go by. I don’t know if it’s just my body and that its totally out of proportion or what but it seems like all of the weight has gone to my thighs and and lower stomach.. giving me a ‘pooch’.  I know this is healthy. This is how a woman is supposed to look. Curvy. Vivacious. Ready to bear a child. We need hips. We need strong legs.

Why isn’t that good enough?

I wish I could see my body for what it was.. for the amazing intricate and complex number of systems that it is. Not something that I take advantage of in an attempt to deal with my problems.

I feel like every where I turn, there is my eating disorder.

I regret telling some people that I have about it all because it’s always at the back of their minds and always at the front of mine. It’s always mentioned. I’m always asked how I’m going with”it”. I want to eat normally and be treated normally around food.. I think that is the only way that I can move forward, BUT at the same time it’s so.. almost helpful to have them know, so they can give encouragement.

I just don’t know where I’m going right now.. I need perspective. A new outlook.

Something. Anything.

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Fear Food #1

June 12, 2010

The “deadly”, “sinful”..

Wholemeal spaghetti (I know, I know) with freshly made seitan (wheat meat), tomato pasta sauce and shredded Cheezly.

Pasta.

I did it. I had pasta. For lunch.  For the first time in 2 years.

I was warring with myself. To go with something known, with something I’ve had countless times, something SAFE.

NO. No more. Pasta it was.

What the hell was I afraid of?

Pasta. Is. good.

Enough said.

P.S. Thank you so much for the comments on my last post. I think I realize now that if I need to take a break, it is for the better and if I truly need it then I can’t feel ashamed or like a failure. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support..

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Buried

June 8, 2010

I wish I could say that things have been doing well. That I’ve been nourishing myself and have been taking care of myself.

I haven’t. And I’m so confused as to why. I’m stuck in one of the biggest holes yet and every time I try to dig myself out I just dig myself deeper and deeper and deeper.

I have an exam this afternoon which I am not ready for. I have studied a little. I just hope that I can manage a pass. I’ve decided to defer my studies until next year. I need the time off to heal myself. I cannot go through Uni like this. I will not go through Uni like this. I’ve wasted enough of my time and others. I need to get myself better before I can pursue my real passions.

I gave my Mum the letter from my GP that I am going to give my course coordinater at the Uni. It describes my situation and why it may affect my exam results.

“It’s such a pity.”

“What is?”

“That it has come to this.. That you have to give up Uni.”

Give up. Meaning that I’m too weak to carry on. I’m a failure. Pathetic.

But is that really true? Is it ‘giving up’ if I plan to go back? Am I a pathetic failure if I’m going by whats right for me? Going by whats right for my mental and physical health?

This hosts a whole lot of other feelings, a lot of ED feelings. It infuriates me how sensitive I am to other’s comments. It shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It should only matter that the decision I made was for my own well-being. That should be the only concern.

But I disappoint my Mum. I disappoint myself.

And that’s so hard to accept.

I’ve been trying so hard. I want to heal my relationship with food. I’m sick of devising ways to starve myself, which triggers the binges in the first place. I’ll ask again.. Why do I do this to myself??

Yes, I’m lost and scared. I need to find my grip.. but I don’t know where it is. Will it come in time?

I can only hope.


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Ping-pong

June 4, 2010

I feel like I’ve rebounded from one disorder to the other in a matter of weeks.

Just last week I was restricting, trying so hard to get my intake up and this week I’ve been binging like I never have in my life. I’ve never felt so scared and unsure of something in my life. But is that the right feeling? Am I supposed to feel like I should be “pulling the reigns” back in? But that would mean restriction and hunger and that is not acceptable.

I binged again yesterday. Again, I know why it happened. It’s as if my body suddenly kicks in with a very smart mechanism to help me survive through famines A.K.A. “quickly-eat-as-much-as-you-can-now-before-your-starved-again” .

I purged this time. Which I am very ashamed of.

I hate this behaviour and hate that I have to admit it because of the shame and the guilt that is involved. I hate doing this to my body and I hate this cycle that has begun.. and I’m determined to stop it.

I’ve tried so hard to not to over-exercise but that has been hard. I feel like I go to the gym as a different person.. like a possessed person. I don’t even remotely enjoy what I’m doing but a certain number has to show before I feel satisfied. Or until my ED feels satisfied, rather.  I’ve tried so hard to not restrict to compensate for the bingeing but that has been even harder.

I’ve learnt my lesson. I’ve learnt my lesson hard and I needed to, to be able to make the choice that I have now.

I need to keep eating the same amount regularly to stop the bingeing urges. I need to stop these compensatory behaviours in an attempt to stop the weight gain that will not show unless I eat triple the amount of what I have each and every day. These fears that I have of ‘getting fat’ are incredibly irrational. It takes, months even years to gain weight and my actions have been incredibly ridiculous. I’m just further hurting myself and it’s just not worth it.

And I must remind myself again..

Nourishment;

something that nourishes; food, nutriment, or sustenance.

And if I’m hungry then gosh darnit I will bloody well eat!!




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Post-nourishment

June 1, 2010

Now that I think about it, I cannot call my binge a “binge”. I knew what I was doing. I wasn’t controlled by this ‘other’ person. It was such a weird, different experience for me.. I’ve never willingly eaten that much food in that short amount of time in my whole life. Not even when I was slightly over-weight.

Maybe I should just let it go.. let it be a thing of the past. But I think it marks something so very important. The fact that I don’t (almost) feel an ounce of guilt for it. I don’t regret doing it. This is what surprises me the most and sets me apart from the “normal” emotions that are associated with over-eating.

I know why it happened. I’ve been restricting myself these foods because I am stuck in a food rut. I’ve been having the same repeated meals over and over because they ‘work’. They feel safe. My “go-to” meals are whats feeding me every day and thats not healthy. Restricting myself energy and a wide variety of foods is bound to have an effect. My body will crave other nutrients from other foods because it needs them. If I’m only having a few select foods, what can I expect to happen? It’s going to want variation some time or another.

I’m going to start challenging myself from today onwards. I’m going to eat something different every day. Whether it be a healthy food or an unhealthy food, processed or organic. I think it’s the only way to prevent another one of those “bingeing” episodes. I’m still finding it difficult to reach my calorie goal .. which must have contributed also.

Nourishment;

something that nourishes; food, nutriment, or sustenance.
Every. single. day.
I will start fresh. I will feed my muscles, my bones, my brain. The millions of cells that make up my body that require energy. I will give them what they need to be a human being.