It’s still there.

April 25, 2011

It’s still there. By ‘it’ I mean my eating disorder.
Ive been in recovery for almost a year now and I still feel so stuck.
My life has changed dramatically over the past 4 months and I’ve never ever felt happier. I have met someone amazing.. And he loves me. He loves me. It still boggles me why.. But it still reminds me that i might not be this horrible disgusting person that i think i am. He also suffers with this terrible ailment, but we support each other. I have to say that it is very difficult though.. When one of us steers off track a bit, I’ve noticed we both end up off track. It’s like it’s a contagious disease but only among those who aren’t
immune to it.
I do feel insignificant some days, like I’m worth nothing, but this is very light compared to what I felt in my darkest days. I’m not majorly depressed anymore (hooray!) and I can thank both my medications and new love for that. Part of feeling insignificant is not being smart enough, not being quick enough, not being knowledgeable enough, not having enough Experience.. Just not BEING enough. Mind you, I’ve got the rest of my life to live but this feeling will not let up.

My body image has improved somewhat .. But as I’ve learnt more about my disorder, I’ve realized that its got nothing to do with the food. It’s about everything else in my life that is constantly straining on my self esteem and confidence. Sometimes I feel like I am emotionally incompetent.. There are moments where my eyes well up with tears with emotions and feelings spinning around my head but I couldnt tell you why. In the moment, I feel so over whelmed, so irritated, so infuriated, so miserable, so elated, all at the same time. But I have no idea why.. Feeling like I can’t express myself through words is probably the most uncomfortable, frustrating and sad thing about this for me. I can’t just blurt out WHY, Or what I’m thinking the moment. I know it’s there but it’s as if it’s deep in an unreachable abyss.

Following the meal plan these days is harder than ever. But just because I feel down doesnt mean my eating has to be compromised. I haave to remember that.. Using food and related behaviours to make me feel better DOESN’T WORK and I know this.

I just have to do it..


One comment

  1. It is such a relief to hear from you again, my dearest girl. I have missed you and thought of you often.

    It is amazing how much we can grow and change in a certain amount of time – however, it’s what we take from those experiences that truly make it what it is.

    It is good to hear that you have a boy in your life that makes you realise that you are in fact worthy of love. Yes, we often doubt ourselves and our self-worth, but it is nice to have a reminder that we deserve love, just like any other human. We deserve our OWN love too, though, as hard as that is to accept and admit to.

    Food is the tool. It’s not the reason. I am so, so glad you have realised that using food and behaviours is not going to get you anywhere. It’s not going to get us anywhere we WANT to go or deserve to be.

    You can do it. I know you can because you’ve proven to yourself that you can. We just have to believe.

    I believe in you.

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