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Volatile Times

October 6, 2011

“I drove through countries like a marching funeral
In the search of fools and utopians
Along the lonely roads with all the empty human souls
Filling their heavy hearts
With slum religion and Coca-Cola
Every book is read and I’m paralyzed
Every fist is clenched, but I’m so tired..

“Goodbye my friends
Goodbye to the money
Adieu to the fuckers that think that it’s funny
I just want to turn the lights on in these volatile times
I just want to turn the lights on in these volatile times”

I’m trying to figure out whats happening with me right now.. I feel so nervous and guilty I could be sick.. My head is going insane.. I need an out.. but I don’t have options anymore. The ED is not an option. I use skills.. mindfulness.. thought challenging.. distraction.. positive reinforcements.. remind myself of the life I want. The life I want.. is so far away. At least it feels like that. I feel so, so stuck. I’m so stuck I want to scream at the top of my lungs and cry and break things. I’m angry because of the stagnant turmoil I am blended to.. like sticky, thick, unrelenting honey. Every time I’m free I get stuck again trying to remove every other part of myself. I am terrified that I.. I will feel like this forever.. that it’s always going to be so difficult. I want to want to go out into the world. But the world doesn’t wait for people like me. Procrastination, drugs, mental illness, anxiety, perpetual avoidance.. the world doesn’t care. I feel alone in this fight even though I know I’m not.

I’m supposed to be at a day program for my ED. Right now. But here I sit. I’ve missed 3 days so far this week. In the grand scheme of things, this doesn’t really matter. But it feels like it matters.. The guilt and nervous energy and overwhelming anxiety about not going.. its scratching and chipping away at my insides. I feel paralyzed by it. Stuck in a painful cycle of denial and self pity. Always so stuck.
I don’t know why I begin to question the day program all of a sudden. I start to think that maybe it isn’t the place for me at this point in time. But I haven’t finished the program. This fact stops me from foregoing it altogether. If I quit, I fail. End of story.. –
scraaape, clang, tear, ripping paper, reload paper, click, click, click, click..

Roll back. Okay so its not the end of the story. I continue my recovery in other ways. Regular eating, psychologist appointments, GP appointments, getting back into life..

“When the joys of living just leave you cold
Frozen from the failing mess you’ve made your own
And if you want an ending to your screenplay life
Well, here’s the consolation that will change your heart and mind

All the glitz Messiah’s just pass the time
A cure for no real sickness, cross your hopes and die
Your supermarket Jesus comes with smiles and lies
Where justice he delays is always justice he denies”

But then I think about getting back into life and it petrifies me. Going back to a job and studying. Routine.. going back to routine. I don’t want routine. I want to feel alive and thriving. The monotony of job, study, eat, sleep, friends, job, study, eat, sleep, friends, job, study, eat, sleep, friends. And when this is all over, you sell yourself to employers and gloat to them about how amazingly well trained, efficient, reliable, trustworthy, experienced and capable you are. Chances are, they’ll choose the applicant with the most experience. Um.. just one little question. How the fuck are we supposed to GET EXPERIENCE if we are never given a job in the first place? Do we really have to be fighting with our fists and killing ourselves to get a job? Well maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration but all we have to do it look right outside our front door to see thousands of struggling students and even middle aged persons who are unemployed and lack experience.

Routine. Back to routine. How unappealing it is to me.. I would’ve jumped on any chance to be in routine but routine is monotonous and monotony is boring and boredom is extremely uncomfortable and distressing for me at this time. Am I strange and different to not see meaning in studying for a career and then spending the rest of my life sustaining that career? I DON’T WANT TO BE STUCK . Rigidity and adamancy.. I don’t know if I can live like that.

– quoted Lyrics by IAMX (see picture)

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