Archive for February, 2010

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Vous maudissent!

February 28, 2010

== Warning: may be triggering for some. [talk about weight, etc] ==

What I said on my last post, I now realize, was not coming from me.

Me, myself, I, know that I am not in a healthy place physically or mentally. I don’t have a period, I feel weak pretty much all the time. I feel too bony. Even though I am not clinically underweight, It hurts to sit. It hurts to get up. It hurts to lay down. I am clearly not at my own happy weight. I can’t practice soccer like I want to because my legs won’t let me. They get tired so quickly. All I want is to be healthy and strong and to run and to do well in Soccer and be happy and free.

I am in tears as I write this;  it pains me so much that I’m letting this prick of a thing control me.

Not. Any. More.

This is it. No more, no more, no more.

No more guilt, no more hunger, no more denial, no more waste..

.. no more pain.

I can’t do this anymore.

Today is the day that I will completely make the concious effort to fight ED and work towards getting rid of him once and for all because he is there. There is something wrong.

All of you are right. I can’t think that just because I’m not in critical condition that it is not bad enough to seek help. It’s just so hard when no one is taking me seriously.

My Mum is just constantly telling me how ‘healthy’ I look, when I am clearly not.

I tell her, but she will not take me seriously. It goes through one ear and out the other.. I am just ‘being ridiculous and silly’. I need her to just tell me, just let me know, that everything is going to be okay, and that she cares, that she knows and that she wants to help. I need a mother.

But until that comes, I’m in this with myself, my therapist and all of you, and that is okay.

On another note, I am finding that I am still thinking about food constantly and still looking at food blogs obessively. I am eating what my dieticien reccomended but maybe it isn’t enough.. I’ve tried distractions, tried taking a walk, playing piano, drawing, writing, cleaning, sorting, watching TV.. it all leads back to the same thing. Food.  I just had dinner, a good amount of food, and I feel like I could have the same plate again 3 times over until I feel satisfied. What is wrong with me?!

I just want to feel satieted like a normal person. No regular amount of food seems to work.

Whats weirder is that I’m eating the recommended amount, but I lost weight. No wonder I don’t have my period.

I hate all this.. I just want it to go. I just don’t know how to really ‘start’ the ‘recovery’ process. Now that I have truly accepted that I do need help. I don’t know if gaining some weight will help my period come back or not, or if that is to do with something else entirely.

My hair is falling out; my bones creak; I’m cold all the time; I’m snappy and irritable all the time; I chew food and spit it out; I weigh myself constantly; I feel guilty after every single meal but still guilty if I DON’T have every single meal; I am constantly on edge and anxious, I need to be moving; I make myself take cold baths; and the worst yet, I actually contemplated purging today. I felt so disgusting after lunch and all I wanted was to rid myself of the  food in my stomach. I am so ashamed to admit this and I never ever ever want to resort to that.

This is the first time getting ALL of this out.. I haven’t even told my therapist who I begun seeing 3 weeks ago. God, I’m ASHAMED to tell her these things. I’m ashamed to tell ANYONE these things.. It’s so horrible, I want out, I want out..

I can’t even believe myself and the things I do.

I refuse to resort to the only way out that I know of. It makes me feel safe and secure and it promises control and power..

But I won’t. I can’t.

I need some guidance.. I need someone to show me an exit sign of some kind.. something.. I need help, somehow, I think? I don’t know.

God this whole thing is so idiotic.. I hate feeling like I have to prove.. things, prove myself and everything, to everyone.. Merde! Vous maudissent, ED! ..


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Okay.. so lesson learned.

February 26, 2010

My night out the other night was definitely not something to be repeated. Let’s just say there was a lot of tears, throwing up, wasted money and just plain messiness. I hated this particular experience with drinking. Alcohol sucks. Always has, always will. But I won’t go into detail.. I have more important blogging to attend to!!

Brekkie: Whipped banana oatbran topped with chia seeds, pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds. Banana bread in a bowl anyone? 😀

All the comments on my last few posts have made me so happy! It’s just lovely to know that I am in agreement with others; that I am on the same page as most of you. My Mum and I how ever, are not. So the blogging world really is my way of relating, discussing, supporting and empathizing with all of you gorgeous people out there. It’s like I have a whole network of virtual friends that know me better than most people in my life and I am so grateful for this.

Lunch: WW Lavash wrap with red bean and spinach hommus and lettuce, carrot sticks and apple.

My afternoon consisted of spending some quality time with my best friend C, which was nice. I had an ‘unplanned’ snack.. a soy latte from McDonalds cafe. On one hand, I am glad I was able to push ED aside and have what I wanted, on the other, It still frustrates the hell out of me that I have to think about it. Oh how I can’t wait for the day where I can just eat or drink what I wish without hesitation, or comparing or feeling guilty for even wanting it in the first place.

Dinner: Pumpkin, broccoli, cauliflower, bok choy, spinach-red bean hommus + ketchup. Doesn't look very appetizing.. but was definitely yum!

I wasn’t going to post at all today. I had dinner quite late (around 8:30pm) and this I’m not used to. I am ashamed to admit that I was not going to have anything else after dinner, even though that would leave me under my goal. I, myself, ME knew I had to have something else, but another part of me still feels like I have to ‘compensate’ for days that I eat more. Like I need to ‘undo’ the extra calories. But that fact is, they aren’t ‘extra calories’, they are calories I need; energy that I am depriving myself of. It wasn’t until I read about Brandi; a young, beautiful, 18 year old girl who just recently passed away from heart failure. She was part of an out patient program. Hearing about this made me feel so selfish. So stupid. So minuscule. So small and insignificant compared to everything else out there.

I was able to shove most of the negative thoughts aside and had what I was craving: Banana oats with tahini and blueberries.

I just deleted a good 2 paragraphs of complete inner ramblings that I don’t think were appropriate to share. I just needed to get them out somehow, and I feel a lot better now. At the present moment, I am just really struggling to justify even getting the help. I feel I don’t deserve the help. I am not underweight. I am not in a critical condition. Those poor, suffering girls out there that are too afraid to ask for help, that are horribly emaciated and in such a deep, dark place with their EDs, they should be receiving medical attention, but me? I feel like a poor waste of time and space. It sounds so down and depressing, but that is how I feel. I feel I am not sick enough.

But is that me talking? Is that really me?

I don’t know. I really, honestly, don’t know.

Apologies for the sad post.. but tomorrow is a clean slate. I hope my mind is able to clear this jumble while I sleep.

xxx

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Pumpkin Love

February 23, 2010

I went pretty crazy with some pumpkin last night.. I had just for dinner:

– Half a large pumpkin

– 1.5 whole heads of broccoli

– 3 huge carrots

– A bunch of bok choy

– A sweet potato

– A large zucchini

– Half a large capsicum

-10 mushrooms

And yes, I was incredibly full. But in a good, satisfied way. Why do I find it so weird to crave veggies? There is nothing wrong with craving veggies after all.. They’re good for you. But I won’t be eating these many vegetables again any time soon.. It made me so bloated!

To-do List

6am – get up, have coffee, read blogs, pack lunch + snacks

7:30am- get ready to go to Uni Orientation Day, have breakfast, more coffee

9:30am- at the Uni, meet with C. and E., get as much info as possible, ask questions, LOTS of question

12:30am- have lunch, AND  a soy latte. Challenge challenge challenge yourself, Eva.

2:30pm- leave Uni with C.  to get 3:10 train home

3:45pm: get home, have a snack, decide what to wear tonight

4pm: leave for soccer training with C.

5:30: get petrol + shop for groceries really quickly on the way home from training

6ishpm: get home, have a shower + dress,

7pm: have dinner

9pm: Go to E’s and have pre drinks

9:30pm: GO OUT, DRINK AND HAVE FUN FOR ONCE!!!

This is big for me.. not only does ED despise alcohol for it’s ‘high calorie count’ but, I myself do not favour alcoholic drinks because of the unhealthy factor.. but what the heck? I don’t do it all the time. I haven’t even celebrated getting into my course yet.. so I’m planning on letting loose a bit. Wish me luck…

His name is Garrett Hedlund. He stars in Eragon. I watched it the other day and found him to be more attractive than the main character..what do you think? Rate him! 😀

Image source: google.com


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Oh how I wish..

February 23, 2010

… I was able to meet every single one of you personally.  Just wow.  Your all such amazing people and I wish I had friends like you.

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They always say to look on the bright side..

February 22, 2010

…. But everytime I do I’ve found my day ends up in the dumps. It’s like I’m too busy looking for the positive things and real life decides to barge in and topple me over just when it starts getting good.

For some strange reason, ED did not like this at all. It was the usual coffee with a splash of soymilk but this time had molasses and cocoa powder added in to create a smooth, creamy, mocha. I don't know if it was just the 'extra calories' or the fact that the add ins made it that much more of a calorific drink, I don't know. But I enjoyed it thoroughly with a nice little smirk on my face. 🙂

Take my job for an example; every morning that I work I wake trying to have a positive out look on the day ahead. Saying to myself, “Okay, work won’t be too bad, it will be good. You know what to do, you won’t make any mistakes.” And GRANTED, that day, I will make mistakes, I will be slower with orders or forget things. But if I do the opposite, like I say to myself, “Oh no.. today is going to be so busy and I’m going to screw up and the boss will yell at me.” And GRANTED, that day will fantastic. I won’t make mistakes, I will be able to stay on top of it all and spend the afternoon wondering what the hell I was worried about. The world works in mysterious ways I guess.. ??

Lunch was oats in an almost empty molasses jar..

.. with some tahini + some crunch on top (Also some veggies and mixed nuts on the side).

I have taken all your comments yesterday into consideration.. I’ve done a lot of thought over whether I should stop exercise completely. Even just for a week. The thought absolutely terrifies me, and I think that is a sign in itself that maybe it’s time to actually take a break, not just tone it down. And I know I always say this, but you girls are just amazing. I don’t know what I’d do without your support and great advice. And, as the title of this post says, I will look the bright side of taking a break from exercise. It will give me a chance to really physically relax and recuperate. Seeing as I am at a healthy weight, but yet still don’t have my monthly cycle, the break should do me more good than harm.

Dinner.. loads of pumpkin, greens, tomatoes, capsicum homemade lentil dhal and of course, ketchup. This definetely hit the spot..

Of course, I’m still going to have be to quite active because I work at a cafe, am starting University soon and also training for soccer season. But this will be the only activity I will do. I had my first training session for soccer tonight in more than 2 years and it was hell. I didn’t realize how weak I’ve become. I got so tired and fatigued so quickly.. but I got through it. I am determined to not let ED take away soccer from me.. I love it so much and it’s such a fun sport.  I also managed to re-fuel very well without a word from ED!! 🙂

A huge amount of chia pudding and banana/berry soft serve with sun butter and bran cereal (unpictured). This made me reach my daily goal, once again! 🙂

Sorry for horrible lighting

Have a lovely Monday

xoxo

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February 21, 2010

Yesterday was definitely a brighter day than the day before!

I’m sorry I was such a wet cloth ..but I woke up this morning with a purpose and a much needed kick in the butt!

All your comments were such a huge help, truly. I don’t know what I would have done today if it weren’t for that support. I feel so much stronger knowing that I have to sort of.. prove to all of you and myself that I can do this. I don’t think I could have a better support group that all you bloggers. Your clearly some of the most strongest, inspirational people I’ll ever know. Just to make it clear, It is not a negative pressure. It is a good type, the type that makes me productive and more willing to take myself further and further along this very wobbly track..

After my jog this morning I had to re-fuel with something special.. yep, a wrap with a copious amounts of homemade spinach hommus and veggies. Looks gross, but it was good! This wrap was huge, I barely finished the apple and carrot I had on the side!

My jog this morning was, to my delight, just that. A delight. It wasn’t forced. I didn’t feel like I had to go, but I wanted to. I knew it would make me feel good afterwards, and it did. Even though it was only a mere 20 minutes, it was enough and was not excessive..

I love summer flowers.. can you tell?

I had a huge challenge last night. Me, myself and my best friend went out to a restaurant (vegan) where they were holding a banquet. It was an 8 course menu PLUS dessert, but everything was pretty much just a taste tester. A lot of it was extremely oily though, which ED went pretty crazy at, but I still ate and enjoyed everything. I resisted the urge to look up calories on the internet and don’t know how much was consumed during the entire meal.. this was the first time ever not counting calories. I’ve heard it was good. I’ve heard it was liberating and beautiful and experienced without ED. AND It was actually exactly as I thought.. I felt GREAT. I didn’t feel anxious or worried or scared. I enjoyed it for what it was worth, and for that I’m so proud.

What I've been enjoying a lot of lately.. tahini + molasses on carrot cake oats. (Tat, just had to copy you again! Sorry!) 🙂

I  found myself today, constantly thinking about food much, much more than normal. Even while I was eating one meal, I was already thinking about the next one and hoping that it would be sooner than later. I am thinking about food non-stop and I don’t know if this is what everyone goes through? But I can’t seem to control it.. I thought it wasn’t as bad before.. but it really is. Not a moment passes where I’m thinking about what to eat next and its driving me insane. Do these thoughts slowly ease off as we nourish our bodies more? Like the urge to be surrounded by food all the time wears off as we get more.. nutritionally stabalized? It’s just getting a bit too much for me.. Nothing will hold my attention for long enough to become a distraction, and this is a day to day thing. Is this common among people with eating disorders?

Summer .. please don't leave.

How long does it take for the obsessiveness go? Does it ever go? Will we always be that much more aware of food than everyone else? I really hope not. I don’t want this to go on forever.

Which is exactly why I’m fighting. And I will win. Because I deserve to.


xoxoxo times one trillion



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Tremble Time

February 19, 2010

This morning, I definetely woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

My lovely companion was not helping in the slightest either..

source

I was supposed to be excited. I was supposed to look foward to today. I enrolled into University and picked all my subjects. It was exciting, something to look foward to.. wasn’t it? The new people I get to meet, the new information I get to learn, a new environment I get to make my place in.. I also spent the day with a very nice girl, L who is my brother’s girlfriend. She is so lovely and bright and happy.. but the whole day was just a dreadful blur..

I don't know what caused me to be in such a low mood.. maybe I've been too happy recently and it needs to level out somehow? IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!

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I found myself delving into that all too familiar feeling  of restriction.. which I will not go into detail of. Thankfully, I was able to turn it around by dinner time. I had not really eaten since breakfast and this I am not proud of at all. I got home and my hands were trembling like mad like they used to. This hasn’t happened for so long and I felt so weak. I was so hungry and so scared that I wouldn’t be able to fight that urge..

source

ED got the best of me… but only for a moment.

I made myself a wrap quick-smart with tahini, molasses, sprouts and lettuce with some unpictured sides. I also had some oatmeal to finish off the day.. despite that negativity.

When I was finished, I noticed a familiar silence. A silence that only comes when we challenge that voice that tells us we aren’t worthy of good nutrition. A voice that tells us that we don’t deserve to be healthy. It only comes when we realize what our true values are and the steps that will take us there.

I am absolutely not going to put myself in that position again because it takes me back to those times when I was going NO WHERE.

Sorry for the downer post (for the most part).. today was just a downer in general. I’m just so glad that it took a turn for the better. I know what I want and this want, I know now, will over-ride anything that ED tries to hack on me.. so here’s to another day of triumph!

Thank you so much lovelies for your wonderful comments. 🙂