“… stride down there.. and bloody light it yourself.”

I think staying positive about this whole experience is really, really important.

“Don’t wait for a light to appear at
the end of the tunnel, stride down there.. and bloody light it yourself. ”
–Sara Henderson

Easier said than done of course, but it’s all too easy to get caught up in our ‘self-chatter‘ , whether it be ‘fat talk’ or ED just bothering the hell out of us, that we forget to notice the smaller, more intricate pleasures that are surrounding us right now..

Life doesn't have to be about material things or good looks, a good life is one lived by savoring those small reflective moments between the ruckus.

.. You know how it’s so hard … hard to see these things because all our energy is focused on this one factor; this one element that has become our life. Losing weight, eating less, moving more. I woke up this morning with that all too familiar chatter. But once I noticed this chatter was absolutely not mine, I took a step back, acknowledged it were there, and laid in bed until last nights stupor finally weared off.

I'm really trying to see beyond what my ED is telling me.. everyday is a challenge, a constant battle.

What I loved about this is that, originally, I would have a dire need to get up and do something. Anything that would mean I was being ‘active’ and burning calories. Again, these were not my urges. I wanted to simply relax in the pillows until I felt I could get up and presume daily activities.. and so I did.

I eventually got up and made an extra special bowl of pumpkin oats featuring pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, molasses and spices.

I attempted 30 minutes on the stationary bike but just didn’t have the motivation nor the energy, so I opted for some cleaning instead. We are not expected to be moving 24/7, 7 days a week, every single second. This I have to keep reminding myself. We deserve time to recuperate.  Today will just have to be a rest day..and we all need rest, right?

Cleaning had me work up an appetite which was satisfied by a wholemeal lavash wrap with sunflower seed butter, sprouts, lettuce, spinach, carrot and a big, gorgeous pink lady on the side.

The guilt I receive after eating any meal still lingers and this makes it tough to really stay focused on my goal; to be healthy and allow myself an assortment of food on a daily basis, and not have to ‘compensate’ for eating what I’m supposed to. I am continuing to make progress though, and allowing myself to eat when my body wants to eat is just another stepping stone..

My snack was a large piece of rye crispbread with tahini + molasses and a warm mug of soymilk.

Inspired by the glorious Tat. Such a yummy combination!

Dinner: Lentil and veggie casserole over polenta