“Have you put yourself on the scale this morning? “

This is the kind of thing my Mother asks me on a beautiful, sunny morning..

I now realize I cannot expect her to know how I feel and to know which words affect me. But.. but.. I know there can’t be any ‘buts’ because she won’t understand. She didn’t realize that sentence would have me thinking about my weight and thinking about food and thinking, thinking, thinking.. TOO MUCH analyzing and stress.

I woke up feeling OK but the day ahead had me a little high-strung already, and this sentence just topped that off quite nicely!! I really do accept now that I can’t rely on my Mum for support anymore. I can’t talk to her about it because she uses the information I give her against me WITHOUT even realizing it. It’s not her fault, she isn’t a bad person. She loves me and I love her, but I cannot share everything with her like I once thought.

Today I’m really going to push myself to get to my alotted calories, like the dietician said, I should be having at least 2500 daily, although its very scary. I’ll post my eats today.. it helps me stay accountable. ED is always telling me that what I’m eating now is fine, but in all reality its NOT. Even though I feel extremely full and bloated because of the already increase, I have to eat more. Its a very scary thought, especially when I don’t even have hunger signals, so sticking to a MP is my best bet.

This is the “Boot camp sergeant” in my head today.. BOY is he FORCEFUL! He really gives ED the boot 😀

“HEY YOU, YEH YOU THERE WITH THE BLONDE HAIR.. IT’S JUST FOOD! WE ALL NEED IT TO SURVIVE AND YOU NEED A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN YOUR MUM AND YOUR FRIENDS, SO WHAT?! YOU NEED IT! GO GRAB YOURSELF A SOY LATTE! GO OUT TONIGHT AND GET AS MANY TACOS AS YOU WANT! GO EAT SOME PASTA! AND DON’T FEEL BAD! Because GUESS WHAT? normal people eat pasta, normal people eat chocolate, and GUESS WHAT? They aren’t dead, they aren’t obese just because they had pasta. Just because they had a little chocolate, just because they went out to dinner and had TACOS ONE TIME, they are not fat, they are healthy, happy and free!

DO IT DO IT DO IT! JUST EAT, WOMAN!!!!! “

*sigh* Here goes! Sir, yes sir!

I want to thank the people who comment on my blog .. It really leaves me feeling uplifted and like someone out there is also going through the same thing (relatively). It’s very heart warming as well to receive comments that push me to persevere  through the rough spots.. I truly do appreciate it. 🙂

Life is what you make it

I feel like I’ve neglected my blog lately a bit. It looks so bare when there isn’t a blog that was written on THAT day.

So here it is.. warning though, this is a HUGE blabbing post. This is what happens when i don’t post often.. It all gets built up inside and I forget segments and jump from different subjects. I fear that most of this post won’t make much stuff. But what the heck.

This week has been one of the busiest of my life. I believe I am making good progress with eating and thinking and behaving. I’m more aware of what I do and how it affects me in the long run.

I’m currently 1/3 of the way through this book called The Happiness Trap. It is quite amazing and I would suggest anyone to read it, even if they don’t have a problem with anxiety/disorders, it is so simple but so insightful.

We all know that we can’t control our thoughts..

Well.. maybe not thoughts like THAT. But you get the gist, lol. The human brain,believe it or not was actually made, I mean evolved, to pick out each negative thing about our day, our life, our career. We were created to recognize flaws. Why? Because we’re humans. We strive for perfections that don’t exist because this ‘negative’ segment of the brain is so strong, and dominates. For example.. we see a course we want to do at college or University and we read and research and get to know all about the contents and syllabus, but WAIT, then we find something we don’t like about it, we focus on the boring parts and the parts that would cause us some kind of pain. Its ridiculous really, because nothing is PERFECT and there are always going to be bad parts, no matter what you do or how you do it.

The human brain is the most complex stucture known. It controls all our organs, our senses, our thoughts, our glands and endocrine systems. But the brain and the mind are two seperate things. The majority of us let our minds control what we do, how we think and feel. Our minds can in themselves become our own enemies. What I wouldn’t give to learn all about how the mind works!

Thinking about this while talking to my sister, she shared her ‘success’ that she has finally found something that she wanted to do in life. Being 25, She’s had multiple different jobs, gotten married, had a child etc, etc. But she finally decided that she wanted to become a make up artist. So simple. But it’s what she is passionate about and its what makes her happy.

If you find something that your passionate about, you are the one that makes the bad parts ‘boring’ or the boring parts bad. You decide just how its all going to unfold. This had me thinking about ED and the anxiousness I get around food. I somehow decide to act that way because of the comfort it gives. I get comfort in knowing exactly what is in my food and how many kilojoules it is. Obsessive,irritating and compulsive, yes. I’ve driven myself mental because of it.

But never fear! I am on a slow and steady mend..

My mother is still on the defensive and still completely clueless about this disorder I have. Call it depression, call it anxiety, call it OCD, she still doesn’t SEE. I tell her the anxieties I get, I tell her why and what causes them, I tell her how I feel about myself and why I tend to undereat. But she STILL DOESN’T GET IT.

Does anyone paren’ts truly understand their disorder? How do they act about it?  Do they encourage you to eat?