Buried

I wish I could say that things have been doing well. That I’ve been nourishing myself and have been taking care of myself.

I haven’t. And I’m so confused as to why. I’m stuck in one of the biggest holes yet and every time I try to dig myself out I just dig myself deeper and deeper and deeper.

I have an exam this afternoon which I am not ready for. I have studied a little. I just hope that I can manage a pass. I’ve decided to defer my studies until next year. I need the time off to heal myself. I cannot go through Uni like this. I will not go through Uni like this. I’ve wasted enough of my time and others. I need to get myself better before I can pursue my real passions.

I gave my Mum the letter from my GP that I am going to give my course coordinater at the Uni. It describes my situation and why it may affect my exam results.

“It’s such a pity.”

“What is?”

“That it has come to this.. That you have to give up Uni.”

Give up. Meaning that I’m too weak to carry on. I’m a failure. Pathetic.

But is that really true? Is it ‘giving up’ if I plan to go back? Am I a pathetic failure if I’m going by whats right for me? Going by whats right for my mental and physical health?

This hosts a whole lot of other feelings, a lot of ED feelings. It infuriates me how sensitive I am to other’s comments. It shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It should only matter that the decision I made was for my own well-being. That should be the only concern.

But I disappoint my Mum. I disappoint myself.

And that’s so hard to accept.

I’ve been trying so hard. I want to heal my relationship with food. I’m sick of devising ways to starve myself, which triggers the binges in the first place. I’ll ask again.. Why do I do this to myself??

Yes, I’m lost and scared. I need to find my grip.. but I don’t know where it is. Will it come in time?

I can only hope.

Ping-pong

I feel like I’ve rebounded from one disorder to the other in a matter of weeks.

Just last week I was restricting, trying so hard to get my intake up and this week I’ve been binging like I never have in my life. I’ve never felt so scared and unsure of something in my life. But is that the right feeling? Am I supposed to feel like I should be “pulling the reigns” back in? But that would mean restriction and hunger and that is not acceptable.

I binged again yesterday. Again, I know why it happened. It’s as if my body suddenly kicks in with a very smart mechanism to help me survive through famines A.K.A. “quickly-eat-as-much-as-you-can-now-before-your-starved-again” .

I purged this time. Which I am very ashamed of.

I hate this behaviour and hate that I have to admit it because of the shame and the guilt that is involved. I hate doing this to my body and I hate this cycle that has begun.. and I’m determined to stop it.

I’ve tried so hard to not to over-exercise but that has been hard. I feel like I go to the gym as a different person.. like a possessed person. I don’t even remotely enjoy what I’m doing but a certain number has to show before I feel satisfied. Or until my ED feels satisfied, rather.  I’ve tried so hard to not restrict to compensate for the bingeing but that has been even harder.

I’ve learnt my lesson. I’ve learnt my lesson hard and I needed to, to be able to make the choice that I have now.

I need to keep eating the same amount regularly to stop the bingeing urges. I need to stop these compensatory behaviours in an attempt to stop the weight gain that will not show unless I eat triple the amount of what I have each and every day. These fears that I have of ‘getting fat’ are incredibly irrational. It takes, months even years to gain weight and my actions have been incredibly ridiculous. I’m just further hurting myself and it’s just not worth it.

And I must remind myself again..

Nourishment;

something that nourishes; food, nutriment, or sustenance.

And if I’m hungry then gosh darnit I will bloody well eat!!

Post-nourishment

Now that I think about it, I cannot call my binge a “binge”. I knew what I was doing. I wasn’t controlled by this ‘other’ person. It was such a weird, different experience for me.. I’ve never willingly eaten that much food in that short amount of time in my whole life. Not even when I was slightly over-weight.

Maybe I should just let it go.. let it be a thing of the past. But I think it marks something so very important. The fact that I don’t (almost) feel an ounce of guilt for it. I don’t regret doing it. This is what surprises me the most and sets me apart from the “normal” emotions that are associated with over-eating.

I know why it happened. I’ve been restricting myself these foods because I am stuck in a food rut. I’ve been having the same repeated meals over and over because they ‘work’. They feel safe. My “go-to” meals are whats feeding me every day and thats not healthy. Restricting myself energy and a wide variety of foods is bound to have an effect. My body will crave other nutrients from other foods because it needs them. If I’m only having a few select foods, what can I expect to happen? It’s going to want variation some time or another.

I’m going to start challenging myself from today onwards. I’m going to eat something different every day. Whether it be a healthy food or an unhealthy food, processed or organic. I think it’s the only way to prevent another one of those “bingeing” episodes. I’m still finding it difficult to reach my calorie goal .. which must have contributed also.

Nourishment;

something that nourishes; food, nutriment, or sustenance.

Every. single. day.

I will start fresh. I will feed my muscles, my bones, my brain. The millions of cells that make up my body that require energy. I will give them what they need to be a human being.

Starving

I just binged.

This isn’t a false alarm. I binged. I WAS SO HUNGRY. It’s like nothing could satiate me. I tried so hard to balance my meals properly today, to eat when I was hungry, and stop when I was full. I ate well. That was until I got home.

My mum and I went to yoga, which was nice but all I was thinking about was food.

I got home. I had dinner. A big dinner, mind you, and snack not shortly after which brang me to my calorie goal.

THEM BAM!! I just snapped. I just kept eating because I felt so hungry. I WAS STARVING. I even ate foods that were not vegan. Which doesn’t bother me as much as it should. I was craving these foods like crazy and all the foods I consumed, about 2000 calories over my usual allowance, foods that I have been denying myself for months, years.

I lost control. I lost control.

And I’m not sad. I’m not ashamed. I don’t feel fat, disgusting or horrible.I don’t regret it. I feel amazing. I feel like I have finally listened to my body. Listened to what it wanted, even if  it meant consuming a vast amount of food, I knew what I was doing the whole time. Yet I also felt like I wasn’t able to stop until I felt satisfied. I knew that consuming this amount would go against everything that ED has restricted me of. Which is why I just let go. I ate what I wanted. Everything.

I know it would have been more .. practical to spread out allowing myself these ‘forbidden’ foods maybe once or twice a day, a week. But this seems like an impossible task for me as I’ve tried it before.

I feel extremely full, yes. Extremely-full-about-to-burst kind of way, and exhausted.

And bloated. But I feel so relieved. I don’t feel that excessive hunger in my stomach or my brain anymore.

I thought after a ‘binge’ the feelings were supposed to be dominated by guilt and self-hatred and the want to restrict.

But you know what? One day. One day going over by this much is not going to cause me to ‘enlarge’ into a mammoth overnight. It is just food. The energy that doesn’t get used up will be turned to storage and burned up later. No big deal?  If it happened every day, yes, perhaps, that would be a problem.  But it is not going to. This is an experiment of sorts I guess. I need to prove to myself that I can just ‘let go’ sometimes and this time tonight proved that freedom is such a beautiful feeling. And it IS POSSIBLE TO FEEL. By no means do I suggest to go out and ‘binge’ but to.. let go. Oh god, it just feels so good.

Even if weight gain comes from this, it is for my own benefit. It was healthy food. It was wholesome food  (and some treats ) that I much needed.  And I refuse to feel quilty about eating foods that are going to make me healthy. I need to get my monthly cycle back. I want to be healthy.

I let go. I finally let go. I am so proud of myself.

–

Your comments, my blog friends, are so much appreciated. On my recents posts they have influenced me in such a way, a positive way, and a motivating way to keep going and to keep fighting. Your love and care radiates through the pages of wordpress and I feel every single wave.  Thank you so much.

Jibble Jabble

Is there such thing as too much thinking?

If there is I think I am guilty of it one thousand times over.

I got called off work today and was left with nothing to do.. but think. And think. I’m used to being out of the house, being out and about and that normally keeps me the least bit sane. Talking with friends, doing homework, being at Uni. Going to work, also, makes me feel normal. Days at home like this where I’m left to explore the inner workings of my mind are not always so pleasant. But they are frustrating. They are annoying. They are tiresome.

Just today, I have had thoughts over thoughts over thoughts all revolving around the same couple of things.

1. FOOD

Thoughts

What to eat, when I can eat, what I can’t eat, what I should eat. What I’m eating next, what I’m eating for dinner, what I’m eating after dinner.  I get these urges to binge which scare the absolute hell out of me.. I guess I haven’t had a ‘true’ binge but it’s terrifying all the same. To lose the ‘control’ that I once had. All this obsessiveness.. I cannot stand it anymore! Why are these thoughts so dominating? I can only assume that it’s because  I’m not eating enough. And I know that eating more would cure this, not fully, but at least to an extent that I could concentrate on more meaningful and productive things like drawing or piano or homework. Or my relationships. I’m still waiting for that lovely monthly visit which still hasn’t presented itself. I need to eat consistently otherwise I’m just going around in circles and setting myself up for failure each time.

2. MY MUM

Thoughts

And what I wrote about on my last post. I can’t stop thinking about it. The considerable fact that my Mum may well be a likely ‘contributing factor’.  I loathe the idea of “blaming” her, which is not at all what I’m doing. I do not blame anyone but myself for what I’ve put my body through. But the more I think about her ‘subconciously’ playing a part, the more I’m starting to believe it. It’s like all the little pieces that were flying around now fit together. It’s like all my questions have finally been answered. It’s as if there’s this urge telling me to just put her in her place, tell her that this process that I’m going through to get better shouldn’t revolve around her. This may sound selfish.. well it is selfish, but it should revolve around me. I need the therapy. I need the anti-depressants. I need the tests and scans. I am the one that needs to get better. It’s all happening to me. I feel like she is suffocating my chances of fully letting go of this ED. I’ve decided to go to my next therapy session alone. And possibly the ones after that alone too. If I want to tell my Mother everything, then that is my choice. I’m am an almost grown woman and I need to set this straight for myself and my health.

I wish I could write.. and write and write until I felt free. There is so much that could just spill out all over this wordpress page but I can’t put it into words. There is that tightness in the middle of my ribs, the tightness that stops me taking a big deep breath.  It’s a feeling of holding back. For so long, for so, so long I’ve held back. Everything. Held back showing myself, held back expressing myself, held back saying what I truly feel. Hidden behind others. I feel ashamed to be myself. And it’s so unfair because I know it’s not meant to be that way.

I can’t be ashamed of myself. I am just as deserving as every other human being on this planet. My existence is worthy, whether I become a truck-driver or a neurosurgeon, I was meant to be here.

I want to make this time I have worth while. I don’t want to struggle with troubling thoughts any longer. But each time I think I’m ‘over it’ I get sucked back in again.

I know it takes time. It takes perseverance. It takes strength. And I think I’ve got all my grips and bearings to actually do it now.

Conversations

My sister made a surprise visit to me this afternoon. We were talking and chatting, and suddenly it delved into a conversation about some very personal things. I liked this, I liked the fact that my sister feels as if she can express her concerns, her worries, because I am always here to listen and I want to help her.

She said something that worries me, though. I told her about my ED and that was the reason for my seeing a therapist. She said she already knew. That all the family already knows. How? Apparently they just know.

What we talked about next surprises and worries me, (I’m not sure which yet), even more. It came up that my Mum is the cause of my ED. To be honest, I have never for a second thought that my Mum could ever be the cause, that it was all my doing, all my own screwed up thinking and wrong choices that got me here.

I’ve always thought that it was my own insecurity, my own low self-esteem, my own depression within myself that lead me to develop an eating disorder. But then I have to ask Where did the insecurity, low self-esteem and depression come from in the first place? It has to have a stem.

That’s where Mum comes in. She used to (innocently) hint to me that I was getting a bit on the larger side. And I was, I know that. I was pretty close to an over-weight BMI. But I was still healthy. Or at least I was happy. Whether I was ignorant about my weight or just didn’t care, I can’t say. But I was content. But that all soon changed.

Whether my Mum ‘subconsciously’ made me this way is hard to accept. I don’t know what to think about this.. I really don’t want to believe that my Mum wants me in this condition. Subconsciously or not. But that’s what the family thinks. That’s what my sister’s think. Each one of my siblings have moved out before me to escape Mum. It is safe to say that she drove them all out of home. I’m the only one that has stayed this long. That has put up with her.. well.. shit.

It also came up that my Mum ‘moving in’ on my therapy sessions is a bad idea. On the one hand it’s great, she gets to know how I feel without me having to relay all the information. But at the same time, I don’t want to have to tell her everything. I should be able to go see my therapist by myself so I can truly open up without worrying about hurting her feelings, or making her stress. I now realize that she is what is holding me back in getting better.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my Mum, so much. I’m not bad-mouthing her. I think she is a strong, intelligent and wise woman. But I cannot get better as long as I am living with her.

Now that I’m ‘slim’, pretty close to being underweight, she still (innocently) looks upon what I eat and makes comments that are incredibly triggering to say the least. I know she doesn’t realize this but if it’s who she is as a person, which there is nothing wrong with, I can’t expect her to change. But if she is having this negative influence on me, how the hell am I supposed to live with her?

I think I have to get away from her. I think it’s the only way.

————-

Something completely off topic. I was debating today whether to wear a clip-in blue streak of hair for work. It isn’t extremely noticeable and I wore it pinned underneath about midway to the side and it threaded through my plait. I thought it gave me some personality or character. I realized that the reason I didn’t want to wear it was because of what other people would think, worried they would think I was weird or trying too hard, or the worst case scenario, the boss would not approve of it. But I liked it.

And after about 20 minutes of debating with myself, I wore it to work.

And not one person noticed.

But I’m glad that I did. I’m glad I did something for myself, to express myself and my favourite colour. I’m proud.

Hold up.

Where is that light at the end of the tunnel I spoke of not too long ago?

What happened to my vow to not take advantage of my health?

What happened to my motivation of healthy role models?

I guess I feel really scattered and this is shown plain on my face. Honestly, I thought I could hide my inner battles better.. but almost every single person I saw today exclaimed, “Whats wrong?! You look so worried!”

I am worried. And anxious. And worried. And depressed. The fact that I can’t wake up in the morning, look out my window and think, “What a beautiful day it is, what a lucky human being I am”, it hurts me incredibly that I can’t do that. I want to do that. I want to wake up with a sense of purpose and a willingness to actually be a part of the universe. Be a part of something. Not just a shower of rain on everyone’s parade.

I have a feeling that I tend to blow things out of proportion. Or other people’s reactions i.e.my Mum’s,  tend to tip me over the edge a little and turn a cup of spilled juice into a full-blown, jam packed, insane, bomb frenzied battle. When really, I could just get a tea towel and soak it up. No biggie. But I insist on analyzing why and how the glass tipped, what I could’ve done to prevent it and then feeling guilty for not doing it. Then I think about what the end result would have been if it didn’t happen. If I could learn from these kinds of mistakes it would be fantastic, but I can’t seem to get past the guilt that comes with making them. I know this is that stupid perfectionistic part of me that I need to expel in some way or another because to feel so insignificant with just about every single thing I do really makes it  hard to live a somewhat normal life.

None of this seems like it makes sense. At all. Even to me.

Nourishment.. is so important for me at this moment. I have to except that. Food is everywhere because I make it that way. It is a big deal for me. I need to stop comparing myself to others, especially my family. I am constantly comparing my eating habits with others when what they eat and when does not have anything to do with me. Hell, no one even cares, it’s just me who is so aware of it that it becomes the fluro green in a sea of black. I must remind myself  whenever I eat.. “nourishment, nourishment, nourishment, health, health, health, good, good, good, nourishment, nourishment, nourishment, I need it, I need it, I need it” and if that’s what I have to do then that’s what I have to do.

God, this is so confusing.. this wall of writing is pretty much pointless .. and I’m even astonishing myself at the daziness and complication of it all..

All I hope is that I can be better. Just be in the moment. I hope I can be better soon. More positives. Look at the positives, Pumpkin eater.

“When you deny emotional pain, your actions, thoughts and relationships become contaminated. You then emanate negative energy and others pick it up subliminally.”

“You don’t seem content.” She said.

Oh really? Don’t I?

What is my reason for feeling so down, so out, so numb?

I don’t know. I don’t have a reason and that is my whole point.

When your depressed, it’s like nothing can lift you out of it. Nothing can ‘cheer you up’.

“Just think about all those people going through something ten times worse than you.” She said.

This does not work. All it does is make me think how much of a drama queen I am and how pathetic and weak I am for not being able to bring myself out of it. And the guilt. The guilt is unbearable.

“There is no guilt. Don’t even go down that avenue.” She said.

It’s a bit late for that. I think I turned down Guilt Avenue a while back. Then it was Isolation Lane then somehow I found myself a long Worthless Way and ended up somewhere on the notorious and gloomy

Depression Street. The roads are twisted. The sky is dark. The wind is cold and icy. There are only silhouettes of passers by. I can’t see them. I can’t feel them. I can’t feel anything.

Your hobbies, your friends, your family, the things you once loved have no chance. Right now I feel like it’s consuming me again. It’s a horrible feeling. My anti-depressants ran out about 5 days ago so I haven’t had one since. I wasn’t quick to get more because I am ambivalent about taking them in the first place. They have helped somewhat and that’s why right now I am so scared  terrified.

I did something on Tuesday night that I am so ashamed of. I don’t want it to ever be repeated. It was by far the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done and I can’t believe that I did that to my own body. The fact that I knew the health dangers associated.. but that didn’t stop me. All I wanted was to ‘rid myself’ of the food. And I did. And I think I don’t need to say anymore about that. I’ve let myself down. I’ve let my family down. I’ve let everyone out there down, that are trying to support me and help me through this. I’m going in deeper and their help is in vain. Everyone’s help is.

And I feel so guilty.. so worthless. I know what I have to do but I don’t have the strength to do it. Nor do I even know where to start.

Embarressed.

I am, to say the least, embarrassed about my last post.

I look back and read over it now and think, “What the hell were you thinking? You didn’t have to be so dramatic.”

But I was.  And I apologize.. when I post things like that I can’t help but think what an idiot of myself I’m making. Sometimes I think I just need someone to say “Just calm the hell down, Pumpkin eater, it’s not the end of the world.” But I know that everything is understood.  I know that I can be related to.. and I know that when you are in a place like I was the night before last, it seems as though you are falling into a deep hole, grasping at the ground, the grass, the leaves, but nothing is there to hold you up.
There are bound to be bumps and cracks in the journey of getting healthy and to have this kind of support is beyond helpful to me. It forces me to learn things that I would most likely not even take notice of, or fail to see. All your wisdom.. I am in awe.

I’m not ashamed of my struggles and I don’t want to keep them hidden. I want to be able to read over this one day and think “You have come so far. You have so much more positivity now.”

I know that it is important to be sensitive to readers, but I honestly don’t think I have that many. When I see posts like those on other blogs, yes it is sometimes slightly triggering, yes, it is sometimes negative, yes, it sometimes make me feel sad. But I am responsible for my own actions, therefore, whatever someone else says on their blog can’t be a cause of negative actions.

My blog is my blog. Your blog is your blog. I think write whatever the bloody hell you want. No one is being forced to read it. Maybe some warning is called for sometimes.. but come on, people. We are all in this together. We can share struggles just like we share triumphs. Life is not all daisies and rainbows. It’s not supposed to be. The human experience is not supposed to be like that.

Sorry.. I promise my rant is over now.

Thank you again.. my lovely blog friends.

Much love.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I don’t know what is happening to me.

I feel like a maniac, someone just loose from an asylum.

I ate breakfast. Went all day with out lunch because at work I was non-stop. I had a good dinner to make up for it. Then a good snack.

But no. That wasn’t enough. Afterwards I binged. It wasn’t much, but it felt like a binge. It feels like my body is screaming out for more food even though I feel so full.

My feelings of myself right now are so unacceptable and horrible I can’t even put them into words.

I don’t know what to do. I took 2 valium to calm me down.. I was hyperventilating.. right now I’m crying my eyes out because I couldn’t ‘bring up’ the food I just ate. I feel disgusted in myself that I actually turned to that to make myself feel better. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never ever felt this way before.. I keep hearing these awful sounds of agony only to realize they are coming from my own mouth. Whines, moans of complete utter .. torture.

Why do I do this to myself?

I tried to go and greet my mum when she came home from work and she asked what was wrong. I obviously wasn’t as composed as I thought I was. I paced for a few minutes until putting my head in my hands and telling her I thought I’d eaten too much. She said, “Oh, is that all the problem is. That’s just your mindest.”

“It’s a big problem to me!”  I said.

I feel so pathetic. “Is that all the problem is?” I’m such a stupid attention seeking drama queen. I shouldn’t even have told her.. All I do is bring her and others down with my crap. I can’t stand it anymore. What the hell do I do.. I’m so, so lost.

I’m so sorry.. I don’t know if I should post this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to to feel, or think, or be.

I don’t want to post this but I need help. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.