Determined

I hate my eating disorder. Every time I turn around it’s there.. It’s as if I can’t escape from it. I have to be honest with myself right now: I’ve been struggling a lot. And not in a good way. My eating disorder is still getting the best of me.
My urges to binge/purge are huge but I’m slowly getting a hold of them. Urges to restrict are another matter.. But I’m also getting a hold of those too. My boyfriend confronted me about food going missing yesterday and it truly upset me.
I already feel so incredibly ashamed and embarrassed about my behaviors and to have him know that its happened while he has been away mortifies me. It’s definitely been on the back of my mind all day today, which has prevented me from bingeing. But I did purge today.. “punch, kick, slap myself”. It’s so easy and simple to say that it won’t happen, you swear on your own oath that it won’t happen, that you won’t give in and then you do. I feel guilty for everything.. If I do, or don’t. Too much, not enough. Too slow, too fast. Too tired, too hyperactive. Boring or too stimulated. I just don’t know what I’m doing at the moment.. I feel sort of like a lost cause.
My boyfriend is the only person in my life that is there for me right now. And for some reason I find it hardest to talk to him. I don’t want to seem whiny or needy or too self conscious.. Which is how I feel so much of the time. I need to get my thinking back on track and remember who i am. I think I lost her for a while.. Bt I’m determined to get her back.