How I miss the blog world..
July 7, 2010It’s been too long since I’ve posted and even longer since I commented. I feel very bad that I haven’t been keeping up with everyone but I just haven’t had the time nor energy.
There are some positives to this post though..
My mum and I successfully finished moving houses. It is such a stressful time for us both. I’m sure anyone who has gone through moving knows that it’s such a horrid thing to do. You live on adrenalin for days and then suddenly slump into a walking coma of exhaustion.
I’ve also been accepted into a hospital about 1 hours drive away. I’ll be admitted for 3-6 months.. depending on how I go. It’s seems funny that I am talking about this so casually, I thought that they would have to drag me there, kicking and screaming to actually force me to get better. But I want this to end. I want to learn to eat normally and heal my mental issues. It’s going to be so hard being out of my comfort zone, out of control, but that is the whole point I guess. I will miss my friends and family and my own bed. It’s going to be so tough and I’ve only just, if even, reached the tip of the iceberg.
Unfortunately my stomach issues haven’t gotten any better. My bingeing has continued and I’m so sick of it. The thing is, I set myself up for failure every single time and I know this. This cycle is so deadly and vicious yet so addicting.
I don’t feel too good about myself today. I know I will gain a bit weight from my bingeing, not enough to be noticeable.. but enough to drive me insane and lead me to take even more drastic action.
But I have a plan. Today I am making a concious choice to eat normally.. surely if I eat like I do now, binging, starving, binging, and don’t gain weight, I can eat like a normal person, breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, some treats in between and not gain weight. It’s science. It’s proven. And yet I still do what I do. I know there are issues behind the weight, which many of you made me realize on my last post and I thank you all so much, the replies I received were of more help to me than you can imagine. But the issues, I can’t seem to acknowledge them. I am hoping at the centre they will help me identify these.
I started off today with breakfast, not just a cup of coffee, it felt uncomfortable when I finished because I woke up feeling full. This is something I have to get used to. Obviously in the centre they will not let me get away with skipping meals. I guess it’s better that I get a head start.
After all, breakfast is for champions, as said by one lovely champion herself!
Banana bread oatbran(oatbran, banana, vanilla protein powder, cinnamon) sprinkled with flaxseed + coffee with soymilk.
But really, you are all champions in my eyes. 
I promise to catch up with all of you as soon as I can.. I can’t bear to be away from my bloggie friends any longer.
EVA I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
You have no need to be apologetic about not posting or commenting – you’ve had your own health and wellbeing to keep you more than occupied. I am so proud of you for looking after yourself.
Oh, sweetheart, it makes my heart jump for joy that you have mustered up your incredible strength and realised that you are in need of help. Acknowleding that you need and accepting help is an act of bravery and one that you should feel very proud of.
Being out of your comfort zone is scary and it’s daunting, but it is what you need. When you have no control, you can’t feel out of control – you will learn so many amazing things and you will DO so many amazing things.
I can’t wait to hear about your successes, sweetheart. It’ll be scary, it’ll be hard, but it will be worth it.
I love you so much, Eva.
I am always here for you, always.
<3
Eleanor,
your words mean so much to me, I feel so much support, so much understanding.
Thank you my sweet fellow Aussie,
so much love!
x
This is a wonderful post darling
I am really happy that you have decided to go into hospital, because it sounds as though you truly believe it’s what you need. I have total confidence in you, and I can’t wait for updates!
I think it’s totally normal to develop different behaviors (such as bingeing) through the process of recovering from restriction. Like you said, you don’t know how to eat… it’s only understandable that you should have to have some trial and error. Unfortunately, bingeing is just as disordered and unhealthy… but it does show how hard you are trying
I’m thinking of you!
<3 Tat
Thank you Tat, you gorgeous thing!
It’s incredible to have your understanding, along with so many others. Sometimes it’s so hard to understand your own actions.. but now I realize it is the result of restriction.
Take care of yourself, sweet pea.
Eva, it’s great to see you taking so much initiative and responsibility in your recovery. It’s no easy task to figure out how to be “normal” again after battling with disordered thoughts and behaviours for so long, but as long as the desire to get better is in you then you’re on the right track.
I think that deciding to go to the hospital is a good decision on your part. Yes it will be scary. Yes you will be forced to go way beyond your comfort zone. But that’s the point… your comfort zone is a bad place, and the only appeal of it is that it feels safe. Being forced to step outside it may be uncomfortable in the beginning, but it’s the best thing in the long run.
Stay strong, hun <3