I’m breaking down inside.
June 27, 2010I’m not quite sure whats happening.
I guess I’ve been fooling myself. That I could go on like this. Like a normal ‘healthy’ person.
I could play soccer. Go to work. Uni. See friends. Be happy.
Oh boy was I wrong.
I’m breaking down.. inside and out. I’ve had horrific stomach problems this past week, partly due to laxatives I’ve abused, and my eating is completely all over the place. My body feels like it’s just at a loss of what to do. It’s tried; I’ve tried but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending .. I can’t keep putting on a happy face while this disorder has it’s tightest grips on me than ever before.
I’m seeing a dietician tommorow and my therapist and my GP. We are going to talk about me being assessed for hospitalization. I don’t know where.. I don’t know when.. I don’t know how long for but I feel so unwell. I feel that I need that. I can’t do this here. My body feels like it’s getting weaker and weaker by the minute.
The hardest part is that I’m hurting everyone around me through this entire process. It tortures me beyond any description that I am hurting my family and friends through what I am doing.
I’m scared of whats going to happen tommorow. Everything I thought that I would go on with is now going to be put on hold.
I’m embarressed. I’m ashamed of myself. I feel so useless and helpless and just.. a waste. I hate this feeling.. I hate it so much. I need this.. I need this change of scenery. I want to get better.
My fear is nothing next to what the future has in store for me.
oh hun, please stay strong! You can get through this, I just know it. I know it’s scary and it feels like your falling and there is NO way you can get back up but you can! It;s not your fault you have an ED, do not feel guilty that your hurting your family. That is what family is for, for being there when life throws hard ones at us.
Hospitalization might be a good idea, you will have more help in there.. Just dont think that it will make things easier. It’s still going to be a challenge, your ED is still going to be there, and you are still going to have to fight it. I think they extra support and direction might help you though…
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I truly am, I wish I could say something that would make it easier for you. Just know im here for you and i’m fighting with you. Your not alone in this battle.
Please email me if you ever need to talk!
Lots of love xo
Dana <3
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
The fact that you are reaching out for help, and accepting hospitalization as a possibility is amazing, and you should be proud of that – It means that somewhere, deep down, your own true voice is there and it WANTS to get better.
Putting your care in someone else’s hands is sometimes the best thing to do. There is no shame in asking for help. If you are strong enough to accept the help that is available, you are strong enough to tackle anything
<3 Tat
Oh sweetie, this made me cry. I’m sorry that you’ve been hurting so much and that you feel so lost. I completely understand–I was right there last year. What’s important is that you realize that you need help and that you want to get better. That is a huge, positive step in itself, and I am incredibly proud of you for that. I had to be hospitalized last summer too, and it was scary at first, but it was just what I needed. Obviously it didn’t “cure” me, because it doesn’t work like that, but it got me moving in the right direction. I’m certainly better because of it. If you have any questions, if you need someone to talk to, please please please send me a message. I would be delighted to do anything I can for you. You are marvelous, and you deserve to find health and happiness. All my love, xoxo
I cannot express how heartwrenching this was for me to read, Eva.
Sweetie, hospitalisation may be the best place for you. Your situation is so close to mine, beautiful. I feel for you more than you could know. I am struggling, but this is the best thing I could do for myself. Hospitalisation isn’t failure, hospitalisation doesn’t mean you’re weak or MAKE you weak. This will make you STRONGER. It will allow you to LIVE again.
Like Amanda said, it doesn’t “cure” you, but it puts you on the right path. You’re not on that path at the moment hun, and you need help. But that is okay! Everyone needs help. Everyone deserves to be helped when they need it.
You deserve it. You deserve life, sweetheart.
I love you so much Eva.
You are in my constant thoughts.
I am so, so proud of you. You just wouldn’t believe how much.
<3
Eleanor
Eva, do NOT be ashamed. Do NOT feel like a failure for reaching out for help. An ED is an extremely powerful thing. Oftentimes we fool ourselves into thinking that we have everything under control, but we really have no idea as to just how strong those ED demons are. There’s absolutely no shame in not being able to get better on your own. In fact, you should be incredibly proud of yourself for reaching out for help and wanting to get better. That takes a lot of guts and responsibility. It shows that you want to get better and that you’re doing whatever needs to be done to make it so.
It breaks my heart to see you struggling, love, because you definitely don’t deserve this. I hope that you get the help that you need to get better <3