I’m not quite sure whats happening.
I guess I’ve been fooling myself. That I could go on like this. Like a normal ‘healthy’ person.
I could play soccer. Go to work. Uni. See friends. Be happy.
Oh boy was I wrong.
I’m breaking down.. inside and out. I’ve had horrific stomach problems this past week, partly due to laxatives I’ve abused, and my eating is completely all over the place. My body feels like it’s just at a loss of what to do. It’s tried; I’ve tried but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending .. I can’t keep putting on a happy face while this disorder has it’s tightest grips on me than ever before.
I’m seeing a dietician tommorow and my therapist and my GP. We are going to talk about me being assessed for hospitalization. I don’t know where.. I don’t know when.. I don’t know how long for but I feel so unwell. I feel that I need that. I can’t do this here. My body feels like it’s getting weaker and weaker by the minute.
The hardest part is that I’m hurting everyone around me through this entire process. It tortures me beyond any description that I am hurting my family and friends through what I am doing.
I’m scared of whats going to happen tommorow. Everything I thought that I would go on with is now going to be put on hold.
I’m embarressed. I’m ashamed of myself. I feel so useless and helpless and just.. a waste. I hate this feeling.. I hate it so much. I need this.. I need this change of scenery. I want to get better.
My fear is nothing next to what the future has in store for me.
