Long time.. No Post.. No Change
June 21, 2010It’s been awhile since I’ve posted.
I guess I avoid posting now because it’s simple and nothing surprising.
I’m still going through the same motions as I was a week ago although I only binged once this week.
I’m still scared out of my mind and how this is going to end up.
My binges have continued and now I can call them binges because I feel like I am no longer satisfied by just ‘this last one’. I always want more and I don’t understand!! I’m eating more than enough .. on the days that I binge.
But others day I find myself eating less to compensate. Which is the worst possible thing I could do but I’m so scared of ending up the way I was. I’m absolutely terrified of gaining more weight when I don’t think I need to. I want to stop these binges so badly. My weight is up to a 20 BMI, which is great and I’d like to stay here but it feels like a 30 BMI.
I know BMI is a horrible scale to go by. I don’t know if it’s just my body and that its totally out of proportion or what but it seems like all of the weight has gone to my thighs and and lower stomach.. giving me a ‘pooch’. I know this is healthy. This is how a woman is supposed to look. Curvy. Vivacious. Ready to bear a child. We need hips. We need strong legs.
Why isn’t that good enough?
I wish I could see my body for what it was.. for the amazing intricate and complex number of systems that it is. Not something that I take advantage of in an attempt to deal with my problems.
I feel like every where I turn, there is my eating disorder.
I regret telling some people that I have about it all because it’s always at the back of their minds and always at the front of mine. It’s always mentioned. I’m always asked how I’m going with”it”. I want to eat normally and be treated normally around food.. I think that is the only way that I can move forward, BUT at the same time it’s so.. almost helpful to have them know, so they can give encouragement.
I just don’t know where I’m going right now.. I need perspective. A new outlook.
Something. Anything.
First of all a BMI of 20 isnt big! I’m at 21 right now,
I hate to be blunt but you seem stuck a lot of the time. Do you have a support team of some sort? Therapist, nutritionist, group? I think it would really help you a lot. I hope you dont take offense to this but OP is what go me doing so well. Without it I never would have made is so far..
I wouldnt say this to a lot of girls but you seem to really want to recover so here it goes.. It would be helpful to try to find out why you ‘feel fat’ when you are clearly not. There is probably something else going on you are not aware of. I think this is why therapy is so important.
Maybe this wasnt the answer that you were looking for but dont give up. Having a huge obsession with our bodies is an indication something else is going on in our minds we are not addressing. Try to figure it out or just see it for what it is.
Dana xo
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/
Thank you for this Dana.. you are right though. I am stuck a lot of the time. I am seeing a counsellor and it’s helped me somewhat but not in the way that I’ve hoped. I’ve been looking around for an ED program but can’t seem to find any near to where I live. I really would like to have a support team.. I think it would help me so much. I’m seeing a dietician next Monday who specializes in EDs. I just hope she sheds some light on my situation.
Aww sweetie, I am so sorry that you are feeling so down right now. Try to remember that the fact that your bmi of 20 feels like a bmi of 30 is JUST your disordered thoughts trying to persuade you to lose it again. I have a bmi of 20 as well, and I still struggle with body image but the difference is that I KNOW I’m not as big as I think I am.
I want you to do something for me.. mkay? Go to the mirror, look at yourself, find three positive things about your physical appearance, and then SMILE =)
Sometimes I find that I get so caught up in my disordered thoughts, that I don’t even know what it is that I am unhappy about anymore. Try to lighten up a bit
<3 Tat
I’m so sorry you’re struggling, hun. I wish that that weren’t the case, and I just want to give you a big hug.
I’m going to second Dana on this one… Very rarely is food/weight the real issue… it’s just a bad coping mechanism for some deeper rooted pain or lack of fulfillment.
From personal experience, I know that the time in which I couldn’t find my purpose and direction in life, my disordered thoughts were at their worst. When I found something to take my attention away from myself… something I loved and was passionate about… the disordered thoughts started to disappear on their own.
The next time you “feel” fat, delve a little deeper and try and pinpoint exactly what it is that you’re feeling. Scared. Angry. Guilty. Sad. Etc… That might help.
That makes a lot of sense.. thank you so much Amanda. I guess I am severely lacking direction right now and that definitely isn’t helping.
I don’t what to say…I know this feeling. I don’t want to think about it, it was hell. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
If you want, you can add me on fb and we can chat. I really want to take some of your misery out
xxoxo